Chewing my keyboard

Tuesday, November 23, 2004

Likes 'Getting it on'... or maybe 'Getting onto it'

Sites 3 (one about to be taken down), Replies 1, Nutters 0, Views can't be bothered to check

Well, folks, I got a reply... And it was a perfectly nice, non-weird sounding chap who has a PhD and works in conservation! But it wasn't on the Match.com site which I originally tried. No siree...

I was getting a bit disillusioned with my lack of replies and the MSN site was a bit, well, entertaining to say the least. One of those testimonials I read on a website somewhere said that internet dating was like being a kid in a candy store, except I felt rather like a kid in John Bull Rock... You know, loads of candy but it all looks and sounds the same!

Every guy has his hair shaved off and all their profiles sound identical. It's like, are they cloning these guys? Demonstrating this to mum, I searched briefly and found this wonderful example within MINUTES. Burly, shaven headed guy, 6ft 0" tall...

"i am a good humoured geezer from essex who likes to chat"

The rest of Essex, of course, is as grouchy as heck and utterly silent..

"Enjoy going pubs and getting on it and also enjoy nights in getting on it and some times nights in resting ."

What a wide range of hobbies you have there! What an indepth insight this profile gives into your hobbies, character and view of the world...

"Dont really believe in these internet dating sites"

I've heard that one before. I could make a joke about whether he doesn't believe in Father Christmas or just internet dating sites but that would be milking this profile for laughs.

"as i have tried recently with no joy"

I wonder why... Nothing to do with THE FACT YOU SOUND LIKE EVERY OTHER GUY ON THAT SITE... Apologies for shouting...

"and i consider myself to be fairly normal, if there is such a thing ha ha"

Well, that's you out, man... Provided you are not odd, weird or creepy then being normal is definitely the death toll... Normal = like everyone else which no one should really admit to. However, I guess if he hadn't admitted it, I may just have twigged on...

"Any way i am six foot tall, slim/med build (12 stone), brown hair and eyes and am always up for a laugh. I can always make a lady smile and if i cant then i'll just try harder."

You are more than making me smile. I was laughing because the bloke just hadn't TOUCHED his personal preferences. I mean, fair enough, I don't have any preferences for hair or eye colour but he was thus asking for a woman between 3ft 1" and 8ft 11". You wonder what would happen if someone wrote back and put "I, like you, am a normal woman but I'm 8ft 10". Is that a deal breaker?". Maybe he wouldn't mind - it does sound a bit like "I am a bloke. I would like something to lie on in bed" and I guess it possibly wouldn't matter then... Actually, no, I won't allow speculation to proceed in that direction. Another chap HAD actually changed it - he only preferred women between 4ft 5" and 6ft 0" (he was, incidently, 5ft 2"... Bernie Ecclestone eat your heart out).

And another one (actually, if you read straight on, the two profiles meld flawlessly into a single entity):

"Are you adventourous, fun, up for a laugh? Like all the usual things, Exotic travel, great music, good restaurants, good nights out, good cinema. Lookin for someone to share life pleasures and see how it goes, look forward to hearing from you!!"

You and every other guy on this site, mate... The rhetorical question really gets me. I mean, seriously, does any woman think she's NOT fun, adventurous and up-for-a-laugh? And, like the other chap, he's seeking a woman between 3ft 1" and 8ft 11" who is 'All the usual things'. I mean there's 'not overly narrowing your criteria' and there's... well...

Anyway, given the site works on someone sending you a message and you wanting to reply so paying the subscription, after reading a couple of web reviews I worked out that this was the site of the forever expectant. Yep, everyone sits about waiting for SOMEONE else to contact them so they can see if they want to pay the subscription or not. Kinda "We have 5 million members and 2 of them can send messages". This possibly explains why I haven't got many replies... Or maybe it's because I don't think that by 'good nights out' he means the London Philamonic Orchestra (that would be TOO original) and I'm not really a pubbing and clubbing person (I don't go to classical concerts regularly either but I've been to more classical concerts than I have been out to a club, which is potentially a frightening admission to make). Hence, I guess I manage to NOT fulfil one of the criteria of the chappie above (and all the other guys who've written nearly the same thing - I wonder if they make them up to pad out the site).

I decided at this point to try the Guardian website instead (which was full of anti-establishment types who liked painting and lots of women who described themselves as 'feminists') and, hey presto, within an hour of my profile going up I got a reply! Whahay! Or not whahay - I'll see if I get anymore.

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