Chewing my keyboard

Sunday, November 28, 2004

The curse of e-silence...

Replies 3, despondency 300000, belief my profile is aOK 100%

Well, ladies and gents, I officially have e-fleas... I have received exactly no replies beyond the chap who wrote to me before with whom (for the moment), I am still communicating and the two other blokes (45-year old opportunistic... and creepy guy who, yep, he looks creepy 'cos I saw him in Broadmead when out jogging... he didn't notice me, fortunately).

I wrote to approximately 5 men yesterday and so far 2 of them definitely checked their account yesterday and haven't written back. Now, this could be because they're not actually subscribed to the site but it still makes me feel that rather than just being picky (my understanding of why I'm perpetually single), I actually have something so fundamentally wrong with my personality that it can be sniffed out in 2000 characters or else I just look c**p in photos.

I have been added to someone's favourites and he sounds really, well, me but my subscription has expired and he has no photo currently. I'm not intending to resubscribe unless someone writes to me since I'm not spending the next month e-mailing a void.

Postscript: I started communicating with 2 guys from that e-mail around, one of whom sent the sweetest e-mails. I speak in the past tense since they now both appear to have disappeared. I've had maybe one other serious reply (i.e. not a form letter) from the site I'm not subscribed to, which wasn't interesting enough to give me the motivation to subscribe. Mum guesses that maybe it's because it's the Christmas period so the sites are slow full stop. Lazyliberal tells me [again] I'm 'niche' (the word niche always sounds like an itchy type of parasite... You could imagine having an infestation of niche or getting niche and having to itch all the time). Regardless, it's not exactly doing much for my ego...

Thursday, November 25, 2004

The Kingdom of Loathing

This is extremely amusing but rather random...

Wednesday, November 24, 2004

Rage and despair...

Views 101 off the Guardian site, messages 2 plus from the one from yesterday, morale 0

I subscribed for a 3 day trial to write back to the chap who sounded nice from the Guardian website. I came home last night to discover I'd received a further 2 messages from the other site. One was a wink from the inevitable "I am 45 and look my age but want a quick sh*g" (at least I get intelligent guys who fulfil this category. They like a bit of discussion about the 2004 US Presidentials and a discussion of Foucault before the quick sh*g, evidently) and the other was an entirely sweet sounding guy from Bristol whose photo gave me the creeps and I'm not sure why (I think he has a startling resemblance to the pervy BF I had when I was 13... Needless to say, not a great starting point so he's going to get a "Thanks, but no thanks" reply)

Tuesday, November 23, 2004

Likes 'Getting it on'... or maybe 'Getting onto it'

Sites 3 (one about to be taken down), Replies 1, Nutters 0, Views can't be bothered to check

Well, folks, I got a reply... And it was a perfectly nice, non-weird sounding chap who has a PhD and works in conservation! But it wasn't on the Match.com site which I originally tried. No siree...

I was getting a bit disillusioned with my lack of replies and the MSN site was a bit, well, entertaining to say the least. One of those testimonials I read on a website somewhere said that internet dating was like being a kid in a candy store, except I felt rather like a kid in John Bull Rock... You know, loads of candy but it all looks and sounds the same!

Every guy has his hair shaved off and all their profiles sound identical. It's like, are they cloning these guys? Demonstrating this to mum, I searched briefly and found this wonderful example within MINUTES. Burly, shaven headed guy, 6ft 0" tall...

"i am a good humoured geezer from essex who likes to chat"

The rest of Essex, of course, is as grouchy as heck and utterly silent..

"Enjoy going pubs and getting on it and also enjoy nights in getting on it and some times nights in resting ."

What a wide range of hobbies you have there! What an indepth insight this profile gives into your hobbies, character and view of the world...

"Dont really believe in these internet dating sites"

I've heard that one before. I could make a joke about whether he doesn't believe in Father Christmas or just internet dating sites but that would be milking this profile for laughs.

"as i have tried recently with no joy"

I wonder why... Nothing to do with THE FACT YOU SOUND LIKE EVERY OTHER GUY ON THAT SITE... Apologies for shouting...

"and i consider myself to be fairly normal, if there is such a thing ha ha"

Well, that's you out, man... Provided you are not odd, weird or creepy then being normal is definitely the death toll... Normal = like everyone else which no one should really admit to. However, I guess if he hadn't admitted it, I may just have twigged on...

"Any way i am six foot tall, slim/med build (12 stone), brown hair and eyes and am always up for a laugh. I can always make a lady smile and if i cant then i'll just try harder."

You are more than making me smile. I was laughing because the bloke just hadn't TOUCHED his personal preferences. I mean, fair enough, I don't have any preferences for hair or eye colour but he was thus asking for a woman between 3ft 1" and 8ft 11". You wonder what would happen if someone wrote back and put "I, like you, am a normal woman but I'm 8ft 10". Is that a deal breaker?". Maybe he wouldn't mind - it does sound a bit like "I am a bloke. I would like something to lie on in bed" and I guess it possibly wouldn't matter then... Actually, no, I won't allow speculation to proceed in that direction. Another chap HAD actually changed it - he only preferred women between 4ft 5" and 6ft 0" (he was, incidently, 5ft 2"... Bernie Ecclestone eat your heart out).

And another one (actually, if you read straight on, the two profiles meld flawlessly into a single entity):

"Are you adventourous, fun, up for a laugh? Like all the usual things, Exotic travel, great music, good restaurants, good nights out, good cinema. Lookin for someone to share life pleasures and see how it goes, look forward to hearing from you!!"

You and every other guy on this site, mate... The rhetorical question really gets me. I mean, seriously, does any woman think she's NOT fun, adventurous and up-for-a-laugh? And, like the other chap, he's seeking a woman between 3ft 1" and 8ft 11" who is 'All the usual things'. I mean there's 'not overly narrowing your criteria' and there's... well...

Anyway, given the site works on someone sending you a message and you wanting to reply so paying the subscription, after reading a couple of web reviews I worked out that this was the site of the forever expectant. Yep, everyone sits about waiting for SOMEONE else to contact them so they can see if they want to pay the subscription or not. Kinda "We have 5 million members and 2 of them can send messages". This possibly explains why I haven't got many replies... Or maybe it's because I don't think that by 'good nights out' he means the London Philamonic Orchestra (that would be TOO original) and I'm not really a pubbing and clubbing person (I don't go to classical concerts regularly either but I've been to more classical concerts than I have been out to a club, which is potentially a frightening admission to make). Hence, I guess I manage to NOT fulfil one of the criteria of the chappie above (and all the other guys who've written nearly the same thing - I wonder if they make them up to pad out the site).

I decided at this point to try the Guardian website instead (which was full of anti-establishment types who liked painting and lots of women who described themselves as 'feminists') and, hey presto, within an hour of my profile going up I got a reply! Whahay! Or not whahay - I'll see if I get anymore.

Monday, November 22, 2004

It's a ruddy nutter! Oye! You! Nutter!

Day 2, sites 2, replies 0, winks 1, nutters 1, morale -30000 (ok, the latter's a gross but amusing overexaggeration. I would have liked a male stampede as soon as the thing went up there tho' - does wonders for the ego)

Yep, I got a wink (someone sends me a smiley and nothing else) from someone whose profile has a) No picture b) No factual information bar he wants to meet a woman with a pulse (or mebbe that's not factual)... Oh, sorry, he's 6ft 0" and has no interest in politics. Yeah, it's funny but it doesn't really get me further than "I have a loony sense of humour".

I've changed my profile (again) so the reader doesn't hit POLITICAL ACTIVISM 3 lines in... It suggests anoraks and an interest in the 1920 by-election results in Upper Snoring - or maybe for that Lib Dem stereotype you need to be actually *in* the Lib Dems :)

Femme de R's diary

Day 1: Sites 2. Replies 0. Views of profile 62

Given my current drought of fanciable chaps whom I see regularly and have not previous foisted my attention upon, I have decided once again to step unto the breach... Sally forth into the unknown... Take up internet dating...

I did try this approximately 2-years ago and had exactly zero success. It was around that time I wrote this article. I terminated the exercise after I generally got bored of having no success and after I changed my photo to a very pretty picture of me cut from a group photo on my camping holiday to Chamonix. In the general oddness of the world, after spending 10 days in a spider-infested tent with 3 changes of clothing and broken glasses, I actually look significantly nicer when photographed than I do when I dress up. After changing my photo, I received around 3-4 replies from guys significantly older than the age range I was looking for (think 47-55). This perplexed me rather until a helpful chap sent me a rather rude/jokey e-mail enquiring whether I was *really* 23 as I was claiming... Apparently, I looked around 14. Given my 'spotty pubescent lad' set of hobbies (they remain NOT concordant with common interests of 24-25 year old gals), I guess I looked like I was a slightly precocious 12-15 year old tomboy spacecraft and Dungeons and Dragons type trying to look grown-up by getting an 'older' boyfriend (and I was attracting kiddie-lovers like blowflies). I was pretty urcked out at that point.

Yellow Duck and Lazyliberal have been trying to 'de-niche' my profile, making the entirely fair comment that the number of sarcastic, hill-walking, telescope-wielding geniuses with a keen interest in geopolitics and Neil Gaiman graphic novels is not exactly huge.

However, with my list of requirements being reduced to sarcastic, non-evangelical, newspaper-reading graduates (with hair) who like scenery, I have currently received exactly no replies (apparently in the first couple of days, women posting profiles get upwards of 200 replies, ahem... but then PhD students who prefer painting on silk to clubbing are automatically niche esp. if they combine that with political activism).

For the delight and delectation of readers who are used to online dating diaries of this nature then I will be recording my success (or more likely otherwise) at regular intervals. In the meantime, please feel free to laugh at this although seeing her ads, well... I was worried about putting I was an 'unconventional thinker' for fear I would get replies of the 'I'm an unconventional thinker - I enjoy orgies involving multiple corpses and sacrifice a goat during the conjunction of the three black moons at the time of the Feast of Ogg' variety. I mean, I'm a Liberal and each to their own and all (apart from the corpses and the cruelty to goats issue).